Amusing British Words Of The Day

(Thanks for your patience with spotty posts this week as I'm on holiday in the UK. In recognition of my travels I give you this oldie but goodie. - CM)

Not mine, Merriam-Webster's. Mine are guv'na, gor blimey and bollocks. Jiggery-pokery... nothing at all what I thought it was. Ditto boffin (the apostrophe makes a difference: boffin'). I thought pukka was a type of bead.



From M-W: "

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Pics Of The Day: Forever Alone

Aww.

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8 People Who Blindly Followed Their GPS Into Disaster (Of The Day)

Sorry, folks, the GPS doesn't know you're morons.

From The Week.


Driving into the bay
Three Japanese tourists in Australia used their GPS to drive to North Stradbroke Island, just off the coast of Brisbane. But what the machine didn't account for was the nine miles of water dividing the island from the mainland. The road turned to gravel, then to thick mud, then to gentle laps of water

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Celebrity Name Puns Of The Day

Love these. From Buzzfeed.





































































More here.

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News: Mom Has Son Arrested For Stealing Her Pop-Tarts

Bitch be cray. The next time I feel like a crappy parent, I'm going to think of her.

From the Charlotte Observer.


Mom has son arrested for stealing her Pop-Tarts

A Charlotte woman had her son arrested for stealing her Pop-Tarts earlier this week.


According to a Charlotte-Mecklenburg police report, the mother called investigators on Monday to report her Pop-Tarts had been stolen from her

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Unfortunately Marked Animals Of The Day

Some are worse than others.

Dick the cat



Phantom of The Opurrra

In case he forgets what he is

Whoa! Mind f**k!

Puppy puppy

Holy cow!

You poor bastard

Kitler
Lil' Kitler

Aww

Worried cat is worried

Scorcese cat

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Craigslist Ad Of The Day: Menopausal Woman With Car For Sale

craigslist > fort myers >



Menopausal woman with nasty temper has '85 Grand Prix for sale


Let's answer some questions before I describe the car, as there seems to be a bit of confusion:

1. NO, it is not a "condo-car" that's been garaged all its natural life. It's a $600 car.

2. YES, the odometer reads 24k miles, but I am VERY certain it has rolled over and it's actually 124k

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Photoshopped Corporate Takeovers Of The Day

From a contest on Worth1000. A couple of these are in bad taste--consider yourself warned.

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LOTD Classic: Pop Music's 20 Worst Lyrics Of The Day

List from Spinner.com. Commentary from me.

20. ELTON JOHN - "Your Song"

"If I was a sculptor/But then again, no."

Who gives a shit? Get on with it. We don't have all day.


19. SHAKIRA - "Whenever, Wherever"

"Lucky that my breasts/Are small and humble/So you don't confuse/Them with mountains."

Humble? No breasts should be humble. They should be loud and proud.


18. 50 CENT - "21

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Cool Thing Of The Day: Rock And Roll Haircuts T-Shirt

Click pic to link.

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News: Burglars Pick Wrong Home, Wrong State For Home Invasion

Brilliance. "Let's invade a home... IN TEXAS. What could possibly go wrong?

From Gawker.


Burglars Unwittingly Put Victim In Gun Closet; He Comes Out Shooting

May 17, 2013

HOUSTON--The victim of a home invasion managed to turn the tables on his attackers after they unwittingly forced him into his own gun closet.

The unidentified man was in his Houston home on Tuesday when three

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News: Coworker Who Went To Gym This Morning A Chipper Little F**ker

From The Onion. It's an Onion kinda day, I guess.


Coworker Who Went To Gym This Morning A Chipper Little Fucker

May 17, 2013
 
BROOKLYN, NY—Running his hands through his freshly showered hair while hanging his backpack on the back of his chair, unbearably chipper little motherfucker Dave Mooreland, 31, enthusiastically greeted coworkers this morning after arriving straight from the gym,

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Stories From The Onion As Interpreted By Facebook Users (Of The Day)

Laugh now, then weep for the future. From Literally Unbelievable.












More here.

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News: Man Arrested For Solicitation On Honeymoon

What a fun phone call that must have been.

From The Smoking Gun.


Man Celebrates Wedding By Getting Arrested For Soliciting Hooker On His Honeymoon

Meet Mohammed Ahmed.

The 21-year-old was one of scores of men arrested in a prostitution sweep conducted last week by the Polk County Sheriff’s Office in Florida. According to investigators, the alleged john answered an online ad posted by an

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Models Falling On The Catwalk Of The Day

It's wrong to laugh at people falling. That's what makes it so fun.

A couple of these are NSFW-ish.





























Hey, don't walk th---



I still love this classic...

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News: Dude With Knit Hat At Party Calls Beer ‘Libations’

From The Onion.


Dude With Knit Hat At Party Calls Beer ‘Libations’

PROVIDENCE, RI—Sources attending a house party on Governor Street confirmed that the dude with the knit hat has been referring to the supply of beer as “libations” throughout the night. 

“The night is young, my friends—enough libations for everyone,” said the guy whose sideburns poked out from beneath the wool cap and whose

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"Parks And Recreation" Cast as Justice League Heroes Of The Day

Why? Because she can. (She = artist Vicky Trochez).














More here.

Buy them here.

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Gravity-Free Cover Song Of The Day: Space Oddity

In case you haven't seen this one yet, here's astronaut Chris Hadfield channeling David Bowie aboard the International Space Station. At the end of the year when they do a list of 2013's best videos, this one will be on it.

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Nailed It! 11 Animated Gifs of Talent

I always think about the learning curve on stuff like this, and it makes my bones ache.

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Weird Effin' Movie Of The Day

70s + Clint glaring + Lucille Bluth = WIN. Before Fatal Attraction, there was... 

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News: Rich Assholes Hire Handicapped Tour Guides So Kids Can Cut Lines At Disney

"This is how the one percent does Disney." Please get hit by a bus.

From the NY Post.


Rich Manhattan moms hire handicapped tour guides so kids can cut lines at Disney World

by Tara Palmeri
May 14, 2013

They are 1 percenters who are 100 percent despicable.

Some wealthy Manhattan moms have figured out a way to cut the long lines at Disney World — by hiring disabled people to pose as

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Top 25 Troy McClure Film Credits Of The Day

This is Troy McClure. You might remember him from such feature films as....

The Boatjacking of Supership '79

The Contrabulous Fabtraption of Professor Horatio Hufnagel

Dial M for Murderousness

Give My Remains to Broadway

Good-Time Slim, Uncle Doobie, and the Great 'Frisco Freak-Out'

The Greatest Story Ever Hula-ed

Hitler Doesn't Live Here Anymore

Leper in the Backfield

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Awesome Farewell/Out Of Office Message Of The Day

Supposedly real. I hope so. Very clevah. And almost as effective as an angry "FUCK ALL Y'ALL!" as you storm out.

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28 Super-Cool Mona Lisa Spoofs Of The Day

Groucho and Ozzy win for me.

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News: Russian Gymnast Has World's Strongest Vagina

Reminds me of the old Eddie Murphy bit about having sex with Mr. T.

From The Sun (UK).


Russian Gymnast Has the World's Strongest Vagina

March 8, 2013

Tatyana Kozhevnikovam, who holds the Guinness World Record for vagina weightlifting, can lift a 30-pound kettlebell using nothing but her private parts.

Most women use it for sex, some use it to play ping-pong, blow out birthday candles

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News: Woman Stabs Boyfriend For Farting In Her Face

And I bet during the argument somebody used the word disrespect as a verb, which makes me stabby.

From The Smoking Gun.
Only In Florida: Suspect, 37, Stabbed Boyfriend After He "Farted In Her Face"

A Florida woman explained to cops that she stabbed her boyfriend after he purposefully passed gas in her general direction.

Deborah Ann Burns, 37, told police that she was watching TV Tuesday

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People Of The Chicago Transit Authority (Of The Day)

I thought Atlanta public transit was bad. We got nothin' on Chicago.

Link from Mike Bergeron.



BYOC



'Cuz this is Thriller, Thriller Night





D'OH! Missed it by THAT much.

Why is Mrs. Kool Aid wearing a Hawaiian Punch shirt?





Not the best way to catch the bus, but hey, whatever works.




(More here.)

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News: Spirit Airlines Is The F**king Worst, Says FAA

From The Onion.


FAA Report: Spirit Airlines Is The Fucking Worst

WASHINGTON—According to a new report released Tuesday by the Federal Aviation Administration, Spirit Airlines, the American low-cost air carrier, is the absolute fucking worst and is actually a giant fucking rip-off.

The 250-page report, which repeatedly calls the entire airline a goddamn scam, openly questions how in the hell

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Weird People Wearing Animal Masks Of The Day

giggle shudder giggle shudder

Inspired by this Craiglist ad.


"My day was fine. Why do you keep asking?"
 Yikes! Al Roker's gaining weight again.

"I don't understand the confusion. This is basic engineering, people."
"This isn't the Feingold bar mitzvah, is it?"
"Nope."


"We must never speak of this party again."
"I feel like I'm getting burned."


I know you're feeling a lot

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Discarded Lines from Robert Palmer’s “Simply Irresistible”

From McSweeney's.


Discarded Lines from Robert Palmer’s 1988 Hit, “Simply Irresistible”

By Chris Clancy

“She floats like a dirigible”

“Her voice is oddly guttural”

“That pothole’s unavoidable”

“Old Play-Doh is less malleable”

“Black licorice is terrible”

“Her hair’s as blonde as Martin Mull’s”

“I think I’ll try a Lunchables”

“That Hägar’s not so horrible”

“Red wine will stain

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News: Peeping Toms Busted After Falling Through Bathroom Ceiling

Brilliant. I guess there was no Mensa meeting that night and these two got bored.

Best FB comment: "What movie was so boring?"

From The Smoking Gun.


Peepers Busted After Falling Through Ceiling

APRIL 30--A pair of Georgia men seeking to secretly ogle some undressed women crashed through the ceiling of a movie theater restroom in a peeping Tom operation gone awry, police charge.

The

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Granny Guitar Heroes Of The Day

Rock out with your frock out, Grandma! I don't know what songs they're playing so I'm taking some wild guesses.


"Hocus Pocus" - Focus


"Ace of Spades" - Motörhead


"Donna" - Ritchie Valens


"Misirlou" - Dick Dale


"Brown Sugar" - The Rolling Stones


"Jack U Off" - Prince


"Still They Ride" - Journey


"Hair Of The Dog" - Nazareth


"The Spirit Of Radio" - Rush


"Wild Thing" -

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If Internet Memes Were Movie Stars (Of The Day)

Cleverness from The Shiznit. Thanks, Elliott, for the link.



































(More here.)

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News Of The Day: Carrying A Guitar Will Help You Get Laid

You don't even have to play it. From the DailyMail (UK).


Scientists find that carrying a guitar increases your chance of getting a date by a third

by Victoria Woollaston
May 7, 2013

Carrying a guitar can increase the chances of you getting a date by a third, according to a study by researchers from the University of South Brittany.

The study found that women were 31% more likely to give

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Badly Translated Signs In Foreign Airports Of The Day

Engrish: still funny.

















You don't need to know what they are.







The money is for their parents.










Rubs the lotion on its skin. Does this when it's told.







That could mean many things. None of them good.













Oldster

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Hero Of The Day: Charles

Rock on, Chuck. You give good TV. Not quite Sweet Brown, but close.

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Cool Art: Coen Brothers Movie Posters Of The Day

Great stuff from artist Chet Phillips.












More great pieces here, and not just Coen Brothers movies.

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April Found Porn Roundup

Every FPOTD from last month, courtesy of Rich Girl Red, Rachael, Chris, Natalie, David, Smauge, and Frannie.

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Faceptions Of The Day

One face, lots of people. Kinda funny, kinda creepy. From WildAmmo.

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Old People Wearing Vegetation Of The Day

Why? I don't know. Dementia? The promise of soup? It's the internet--there is no why.

From Sad & Useless.
































(More here.)

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Commercial Of The Day: Shift It

Shift it? No. Shoot it. Although I will admit that I loved this guy on Barnaby Jones. Nobody played "Pederast #2" with more conviction.

Thanks (?) for this, Movie Guru.

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April Motivational Poster Roundup

Our monthly review of the all the MPOTDs (sidebar) from the previous month. 

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Prank Of The Day: Exercise Ball

Probably staged but still funny.

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Craigslist Ad Of The Day: Hot Tub Party

(An LOTD classic. And very nasty, so don't read it if you have a nervous stomach.)

best of craigslist > california > berkeley



hot tub group release (berkeley)
 
Date: 2005-12-08, 10:51PM PST

Let's keep this simple. I have a hot tub on Euclid. I am having a group release party on December 28th. Everybody is welcome (last time was all men which was fun but I would really like to get some

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Tiny People Street Art Of The Day

From confusababel on Tumblr.

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Humor Site Of The Day: CheckMating

A hilarious dating site spoof from a long-time FOLOTD. Check it out.










Lots more at CheckMating.

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Helpful Chart Of The Day: Spanking

Learn the facts before you smack dat ass.

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