Quiz: Doobie Brothers' Lyric or Line From 50s Hygiene Manual Written By Angry Person Who Got Fired? (Of The Day)

From McSweeney's.


Declarative Doobie Brothers’ Lyric or Instructional Line from a First Draft of a 1950s Hygiene Manual Written By an Angry Person Who Got Fired?

by  Jeff Johnson

1. Oh, oh, listen to the music.

2. Gently pull back the foreskin. Now douse everything you see with industrial-grade bleach.

3. Pour melted butter inside each ear canal. Then look out the window. But not

Read More

Airline Passengers As Explained By Their Pants

Amusing. But what about no pants?

From Wendi Aarons on McSweeney's.





Airplane Passengers as Explained By Their Pants


Wool Suit Pants: Will board before you.

Wool Hunting Pants: Will board after you.

Pleated Dockers: Will loudly talk on cell phone about ROIs and vertical markets.

Pajama Bottoms: Will be flying either to or from a city with a Señor Frog’s.

Sweatpants with Dallas

Read More

Bandwiches Of The Day

From McSweeney's, by John Peck. Thanks for the link, Marianne. 


The Who: Roast beef, boiled guitar strings, dinner roll.

Rolling Stones: Beef tongue, caviar, platinum-coated fried onions, ketchup, white bread.

Black Sabbath: Ham, stilton, LSD mustard, milled wheat bread.

Van Halen: Grilled 17-cheese sandwich on white bread; side of nacho cheese soup.

Ted Nugent: Cubed Grizzly bear,

Read More

Discarded Lines from Robert Palmer’s “Simply Irresistible”

From McSweeney's.


Discarded Lines from Robert Palmer’s 1988 Hit, “Simply Irresistible”

By Chris Clancy

“She floats like a dirigible”

“Her voice is oddly guttural”

“That pothole’s unavoidable”

“Old Play-Doh is less malleable”

“Black licorice is terrible”

“Her hair’s as blonde as Martin Mull’s”

“I think I’ll try a Lunchables”

“That Hägar’s not so horrible”

“Red wine will stain

Read More

Open Letter Of The Day: Applebee's Wants You To Know That It Is Not Immune To Your Barbs

From McSweeney's.


Applebee’s Just Wants You to Know That It Is Not Immune To Your Barbs

By Pete Reynolds

Look, it’s not like Applebee’s hasn’t heard the jokes. Applebee’s is not some out-of-touch square with no ears for hearing or feelings for feeling things. 

Applebee’s is a restaurant. An honest-to-goodness, flesh-and-blood-and-Potato-Twisters restaurant who is right here—right everywhere,

Read More

Job Query Of The Day: I Would Like To Be Pope

From McSweeney's.


I Would Like to Be Pope

by John Ortved


Dear sir or madam,

I am writing to apply for the position of Pope. I recently received my Bachelor of Arts, or “artium baccalaureus,” from Dartmouth College, with a major concentration in Theatre Studies and a minor concentration in Computer Science. While I have been focusing on the technology and financial sectors, I have

Read More

Additional Myers-Briggs Personality Types Of The Day

Don't know Myers-Briggs? Here's a brief summary.

From McSweeney's.



Additional Myers-Briggs Personality Types
By James Hannaham

Unfeeling Uncaring Judging Screaming (UUJS)

Lurking Touching Hurting Regretting (LTHR)

Lying Denying Confessing Lying (LDCL)

Smoking Dancing Laughing Fucking (SDLF)

Moping Whining Crying Leaping (MWCL)

Loving Buying Owing Impoverishing (LBOI)

Hating

Read More

Letter Of The Day: Von Trapp Wedding Canceled

From McSweeney's.



I Regret to Inform You That My Wedding to Captain Von Trapp Has Been Canceled.

By Baroness Elsa Schraeder

Dear friends, family, and Austrian nobility,

Captain Von Trapp and I are very sorry to inform you that we no longer plan to wed. We offer our deepest apologies to those of you who have already made plans to travel to Salzburg this summer.

Those of you on the

Read More

Useful New Internet Error Messages Of The Day

From McSweeney's Internet Tendency. 




Useful New Internet Error Messages

by Rupinder Gill55.1.2 CONNECTION REFUSED: Sorry, this message could not be delivered because it contains a chain message and/or an invitation to your improv show.45.2.2 UNAUTHORIZED: Sorry, this message could not be delivered because it contains the phrase “LOL” and the recipient is an adult.34.2.90 SPAM FILTER: Sorry,

Read More